Hello Siddey,
My name is Stefanos Davisonopoulis and I am the current President of the Masters United Games Society.
Firstly, I am starting my speaking by acknowledging the traditional owners of this beautiful place and saying it is very happy for me to being here on your Golden Coast. I am very pissed that I have been invited to performing this special ceremony to open the Games Village at the 2000 Asia Pacific Masters Games.
Tonight there are many people from important organisations being part of this event and I am making you welcome whether you are from the head or from the bottom.
At the very beginning it is my duty to pass on some apologies from important people who are not here. The first message saying he is sorry he could not be here is from the president of the International Olympic Committee, Juan Antonio Samaranch. Neither here is his brother, Two Antonio Samaranch.
Also saying sorry is the head of the United Nations, Kofi Anan, along with his brother, Decaffeinated Anan. You Prime Minister, Mr Howard is not here neither did he say he is sorry. Perhaps we can be calling him on the telephone, I have a Telecard number from Mr Reith.
As you all are knowing, tonight is a very suspicious occasion. It is a great pleasure for you to have me here tonight. The Masters United Games Society, or M. U. G .S. has sent me here from Greece to ensure that everything smoothly is operating. I am not going to make you bored with long speeches, your Mayor (or whoever) has already been doing that.
I must tell you that I am not here just for the holiday and expensive hotels. For me, this is a working holiday, and like many of you I will be spending much time on my back. After this experience I will be taking home with me some things to spread around my friends in Athens, because in four years we will be doing it once again. Yes, we have some special games for ourselves and from you we have a lot to learn. For this reason, the year 2000 Asia Pacific Masters Olympic Games is being washed closely by the Greek based World Organising Group, or W. O. G.
We are learning what we can from what we see happening here in the Golden Coast in the next 8 days. It is now four years until in Athens we are holding a similar event to this, the Athens Regional Sporting Event, or the A. R. S. E. ARSE is now in the planting stages but I fear it is getting a little behind.
I wish now to take a small survey. Please to be raising your hands if you have been competing in the last Masters Games? Now to be raising your hands if you have not been competing in the last Masters Games. And finally to be raising your hands if you were too drunk to remember if you are competing in the last Masters Games.
Is very good for me being here in Australia and I am just like you and am saying geeday! Now I am welcoming everyone who is from Australia by saying "Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi! Oi! Oi!". If you are from my homeland, "Greece Greece Greece Oil! Oil! Oil!".
Now I am welcoming the Chinese people here "China China China Soy! Soy! Soy!". And to the people from New South Wales I say "Little town North of Sydney, Little town North of Sydney, Little town North of Sydney. Woy! Woy! Woy!
Are we having any people here from New Zealand? I am a little confused because earlier I met someone from your country and I asked him "What is the capital of New Zealand?" He is telling me "$2.50". Then an Australian is explaining how in New Zealand they are having different words for things. They say "jandals", Australians say "thongs". New Zealanders say "chilly bin", Australians say "Esky". New Zealanders say "blind date", Australians say "livestock." He is saying he will explain it to me at the baa.
People have been flying in here from all the different countries, and I am doing a lot of flying myself. I am always getting very nervous when I am flying and a few days ago as I am getting onto a plane I am saying to the stewardess "How often do these planes crash?" She is telling me "only once."
It is taking a long time to fly from Greece to Australia and when we are half way here the lady who she is sitting next to me says "My bottom has gone to sleep." I tell her "Yes, I am hearing it snoring."
I am told that in Australia you have a good sense of humour and already I am seeing this. While I am staying in one of your beautiful hotels, I am standing in the toilet. I am looking at all the things like the soap and the shampoo and I am reading this beautiful thing from the box. "The Basic Earth collection. Elegant simplicity and natural ingredients combine to pamper your body and delight your senses in ways you never thought possible. The Basic Earth Collection." When I am opening the box I am thinking that whoever wrote that is a very talented person.
In the last few weeks Australia has been host of the Olympics and the Paralympics. Here it is only the elite, the fastest, the highest level of athletes that can qualify to represent their country. By contrast at the Masters Games we have a group of people, that to qualify, just needed to find the entrance fee and some beer money.
I have been studying some of the sporting events and I am noticing that there is lawn bowls. I am watching the lawn bowls on TV recently and I am wondering "Why don’t they show slow-motion replays?" And another thing you never see at the lawn bowls streakers.
This year there is strong representation in the Badminton, but I am understanding that to improve the image of the game it is going to be renamed to "good minton" also, "squash" is now going to be called "squeeze me gently" and in an effort to promote Peace in the Middle East, polocross is to be renamed Polo-be-nice-to-each-other.
Some sports suffer from not many spectators so we have some innovative ideas to attract people to be coming along. Firstly, watching men wrestle each other may be fun in the Oxford Street, but not here on the Golden Coast, so a new rule means men must wrestle women. And to really get the crowds to cheer, like in ancient Greece, it will be nude.
It is important at this competition that there is a level playing field. I am also thinking it is important that there is a level swimming pool. To make sure that there is no cheating during the Games, there will be random testing because it is vital that all athletes can compete equally. For this reason, you can expect to be disqualified if, immediately after your event, it is found that you do not have any alcohol in your blood.
I am reminded of a friend of mine in Athens who was stopped by the police. They said "Blow in the bag" he said "I am having the doctor’s certificate that says I have asthma and if I blow in the bag I could die." So the policeman he says "OK we are going to do a blood test" and my friend says "but I am having another certificate saying that I am a haemophiliac, if you stick me with a needle I could bleed to death."
The police man says "OK I want you to walk along the white line" my friend say "I can’t do that", frustrated, the policeman says "why not?" My friend says "because I am drunk."
The Games Village is the heart of the Asia Pacific Masters Games. You are invited to make this place your home for the next 8 days and to meet new friends and old. At the end of each day it is here where you will come to share your triumphs and recap on your failures. It is not the sports events to which I refer, it is the chicky chicky. It is here that hearts will bond, melt and be broken.
It is appropriate that there will be much love discovered here because in the next week you are to be competing in official events, such as the breast stroke, touch and of course, the marathon. Also will be awarded medals for unofficial events such as the Games Village pick-up, horizontal folk dancing and the double bed medley.
As you are knowing, at the Olympics here in Siddey, the young athletes were given condoms, seventeen condoms each! At the paralympics the young athletes were given ten condoms each. Here at the Masters Games it has been decided that you will only need five condoms, not each, for all of you!
This games village is a testicle to what can be done on a small budgets. In fact, as you know the whole games is being done on a shoelace budget. There has not been the money to fly in the beautiful maidens from Athens and it was an impossible thing to find a suitable virgin on your Golden Coast.
For this reason, I have the low-budget Greek maiden to do the most solemn part of the ceremony. Her name is Hermaphrodite and with my hand up her bottom, she is representing the innocence lost when one reaches Masters games qualifying age.
Also, there was never even planned the torch relay, but it was decided that as part of the ceremony it must be included and therefore a compromise was to be made. How excited am I ladies and gentlemen, to be seeing coming in the back right now, the official 2000 Asia Pacific Masters Games candle. It is to be passed from hand to hand to reaching Hermaphrodite here in the front and I am asking you to be careful not to blowing him out.
If it does go out, please do not be in panic or despair, we have another flame from the same source and it is being stored inside this cigarette lighter.
And now, as Hermaphrodite holds high the Asia Pacific Masters Games candle, I am asking you, what would an opening be without the massive fireworks display. Now I am asking you to remember the budget very limited so we will only be having this, the 2000 Asia Pacific Masters Games firework. (LIGHT SPARKLER FROM CANDLE)
This will shine as a beacon for less than one minute, so before it goes out, I take this opportunity to declare this the best Master Games ever. Now, I would like to give myself great pleasure and declare the 2000 Asia Pacific Masters Games Village open with the words of Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, Queens of Australia, "It’s time to rock and roll, party animals".