Introduction

 The Olan Mills tradition is of serving the communities where we work & live. These communities stretch across the world. We have a member of the Olan Mills community with us tonight. While he does not work for Olan Mills, he has been sent to us representing Mr Tom Cochrane to inspect the Australian branch of the family. 

Here in Australia for the first time, representing the American branch of our business we have a leading consultant to give us the once over. I think he will find everything ship-shape. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, just off the plane from Alabama please welcome David Stephens. Good afternoon, although, for me, it is good evening. I just called Alabama to say good night to my children, so to avoid confusing my jet-lagged brain, I'll act like a local and just say G'day.

 As Brian said, I am out here to have a look at the state of business in this part of our big wide wonderful world. I want to make it clear that my reason for being here is not entirely with Brian Henderson in my sights, but I notice that he is keeping a very close eye on me and where my sights are pointed.

 A couple of things I should get straight from the beginning as the Olan Mills American representative in Australia. I am not a professional photographer, never have been, probably never will be. I have trouble with those fiddly fixed lens disposable cameras. Somehow I even manage to get them out of focus. I am a consultant here to do a job and I am going to do that job to the best of my ability. I have to be honest and tell you that cute kids standing on chairs in front of a camera don't do a lot for me. My plan while I'm in Australia is to get beyond film, away from silver halide, and into the colours that really make a business work, red and black inks. As it is stated in the Operations Manual, photographic artistry is less important that learning the basics of good photography and then using those acquired skills over and over again.

 But as I said, I am not here to talk about photography as such, I am here to talk about the business of photography. The issues I am going to put to you this evening can be applied to any business. One of the things I have discovered over the years I have been in this business that the nuts and bolts of a business is more than what is sold or the service provided. While all of you might be said to be running your own businesses, I can assure you it is nothing compared to the vast empire started all those years ago by Olan Mills and carried on to the next millennium by Tom Cochrane.

 In 1932 photography was beginning to come into its own. The technology, while it may look ancient to us now, at the time it was a vast improvement on what had been available previously. Of course, despite the fact that some of the technology may look outdated, much of it is still in use today, though updated of course. In the early 1930's, the world was beginning to climb out of the depression. After several bleak years, especially in the United States, things were looking up. Olan and Mary Mills had a vision. It might have been out of desperation, but often it is desperation that is the spark for many of our greatest innovations.

 The Mills wanted to provide affordable portraiture to families at all economic levels, even those living in rural areas. To accomplish this they did something new. They took the studio to the people. While Mr Mills travelled from door to door as salesman and photographer, Mrs Mills, an artist, added colour and finishing touches to portraits.

 Often people come up with an idea that works and is a huge success. Often it happens more by accident than by design. Many people in Olan and Mary's position of rapidly growing business would not have known why they were successful, but Olan did. He knew it was a combination of good old fashioned courtesy and caring for your customer while still delivering the goods to many people at the right price. Today those things have names, Customer Service and Market Penetration. But whether they have names or are simply a matter of common sense don't matter. What works works and for Olan it certainly worked in ways he could never have imagined.

 Nowadays, Olan Mills is the world's leading producer of family portraits. Do you have any idea of how many images were shot by the company each year? Almost fifty million? That's right, fifty million photographs captured on film each year. That doesn't really give an indication of how many people, human beings, sit in front of Olan Mills lenses, but it must run into the hundreds of millions. 

Impressive numbers, but not as impressive as our employee stable these days. You are a member of an extremely elite group of seventeen thousand people who have been chosen by Olan Mills to represent them in the world. You are special people singled out to be the face behind the lens in front of the camera. There is a lot at stake in working for this company, so it is not something you should do lightly. In fact, if you feel it isn't for you, if you don't want to be part of this organisation, get up now and leave the room. I invite you to go and have all your money refunded. They are payin for this aren't they Brian?

 Since you have decided to stay, why don't we join together as a unit and take a deep and meaningful look at the typical Olan Mills employee. I must confess that as I look around the room, I can see that to have a close look at many of you, we will need a wide-angle lens. But no matter your physical attributes, it is more the appropriate personality of photographers we look for. 

The first and most important attribute for an Olan Mills photographer is being able to relate easily and quickly to a wide range of people in an incredibly diverse range of situations. Considering that we have school, church, sporting group, college and industry divisions, amongst others, it is vital that Olan Mills people are able to meld easily with many different ways of life. It is also vital for the company to ensure that the right person goes to the right job. Whereas college groups will see nothing wrong with long hair, short dresses and an ear-ring, some church groups find such dress standards offensive, even on women! Conversely, it would be inappropriate for us to send someone with a high level of moral standards to be sent to a pot smoking, fornicating, College dormitory. I usually try to go to those ones myself.

 Next, if you want to be truly successful, you must have some retail sales experience. We will give you the business, but its up to you to close the sale. There is no point in having fifty million images sitting on film an none of them on paper. When your clients, and they are your clients come back to inspect the portrait, that's where the real business begins. Up until that point you have taken the photo, but that is the equivalent of building a car. Absolutely pointless unless someone is going to buy and then drive it. Similarly with your portraits. If people fail to keep their appointments. If they don't purchase additional copies of your work, what is the point of being there. Remember we are talking business here, you are not taking photos at the wedding of your niece or nephew. In fact we have a very serious announcement regarding a new policy covering taking photos at family functions, but I will save the bad news for later.

 OK, to be an employee in this company, you need to enjoy eating take-away food, and I can see some of you do. You will be travelling a lot more than you have in the past, unless, of course, your last job was as a taxi driver,. Being away from home for 2 or 3 nights a week is not uncommon when you are chasing your share of the fifty million images. Of course, just because you are at home doesn't mean you have the night off. As you all know, working 6 or even 7 days a week and several nights is part of the job. With weekend shoots and viewings you better forget about anything that resembles a social life.

 There is no room for weaklings in this business, either emotionally or physically. You need to be able to carry around lots of equipment, fifty pounds at a time, to places people wouldn't drive, like up stairs. Then, unless you are incredibly wealthy, you need to carry all that equiipment back out again. Am I going too fast for anyone?

 We also require a high degree of professional integrity. Since we are working with a variety of people from a wide range of backgrounds and all sorts of ages it is vital that our staff handle themselves properly. Because there are all sorts of temptations when working with our clients, especially in schools, we want people who are honest, reliable and have never been a Catholic Priest. 

I must tell you a story about one of our Olan Mills photographers stateside. He was indulging in a little, lets call it, "horizontal folk dancing" with one of his clients...am I going too fast for anyone? Suddenly and unexpectedly her husband pulled into the driveway. Since it would have been a little hard to convince him that they were discussing photography while they were naked he decided to attempt a rapid exit. Cut off, he grabbed all his clothes and dived into the cupboard. Just as he thought he had gotten away with it, guess what happened. His mobile phone started ringing. Now this guy was a good salesman, the sort of creative person that Olan Mills values, because when the husband flung the cupboard door open, he handed him the phone and said "Its for you". It didn't work.

 This led us to come up with one of our latest innovations at Olan Mills. We call it the dysfunctional family portrait pack. In this situation when we take a family portrait we first take one of both parents with the children then we take another series with each parent alone with the children. Thus if there is a divorce, there is no need for a parent to cut the other one out of the photo. You might laugh, but think of it as adding value to the product and in that way increasing sales. 

Moving along. Added to the mental and physical requirements of being a photographer, along comes the newest technology that you will also need to keep up with. Yes folks, the digital revolution is well and truly with us and making a bigger impact on our lives day by day. Despite the fact that Olan Mills has a down-to-earth family oriented image, the organisation is truly on the cutting edge of technology. Now while it might seem like a foolish move taking some of the creative process out of the hands of artists, we have found that the digital revolution is all about that. It is making creativity possible for the least creative amongst us. No doubt some of you will fall into that category. Our latest labs are fully automated, completely digital and so advanced that we require specialist computer experts to operate them. Unfortunately the average age for specialist computer experts is 14.

 These days, anyone can set themselves up with a digital camera, a computer, some imaging software and a high-end colour printer and become an instant graphics expert. The tools are easily affordable and not hard to operate. While some may see this as a threat to their livelihood and future, I would argue that this isn't the case. Technology is a two-edged sword that as well as cutting into our future, can also slash the costs of our operation. 

The latest greatest technology in this vein is OMEGA. The Olan Mills Electronic Graphics Application. Get it, O.M.E.G.A. Omega. I'm sure I'm going too fast for some of you. As well as organising and speeding the process of creating portraits for schools OMEGA will greatly assist all facets of education administration. This revolutionary piece of software utilises student portraits for computer information files for school administrators and office personnel. Through digital technologies, they can include photographic images, taken by you, in student profiles. These images can also be used to create personalised awards and certificates. Value added marketing!!! OMEGA adds incredible value for schools. Unfortunately there are disadvantages to the technology, but these minor bugs are being ironed out. We have already had one instance of computer savvy students hacking into the school computer and digitally retouching a photo so that it appears that the school principal was caught in a compromising position with the librarian and then putting the photo on the schools Internet page. Hey...kids will be kids.

 OMEGA is incredibly useful to schools since it is a convenient storehouse of information on CD-ROM that will serve the special needs of students. Important information is sorted alphabetically by name, teacher or grade. There is also ample space for comments to be added to student files by advisors, counsellors and teachers. Information can be added, deleted or updated as needed for all sorts of purposes. I know that school security is not as much of an issue in Australia as in the US, but when it does become one, the information stored in OMEGA can be used to print student photographic ID cards including bar codes. The software is powerful enough to create library cards or seating plans with photos. These photos and all the information can also be modified easily so that schools with an Internet presence can easily incorporate all the information contained in OMEGA onto their web pages. Needless to say the information can be exported to other applications. TEAR IT Let's get down to business. Photography, or rather, how we can all make more money from photography, especially here in Australia or down under. That's so cool, being down under. (TIME) Sunday night. Do you know that on Monday morning I am going to be in Australia?

 Compared to our operations in the US, you are missing many huge opportunities here in Australia. The College portrait market is virtually non-existent here, where it is fast becoming the core business in the states. I am not sure why you Aussies don't have the same tradition of college culture that we have. What with our sorority houses and sporting teams that lead to professional careers, we have a rich tradition of family involvement in the ongoing education of our students. Here, it seems that University is simply an excuse to not get a job, even if there was one available. 

Research shows that people in Australia simply aren't interested in pageantry apart from family parades such as Melbourne's Moomba, Brisbane's Warana and Sydney's Gay Mardi Gras. Unlike in America, Australians don't seem to be very interested in important occasions such as the graduation ceremony. Australians don't care about the history of the practice and the grandeur of the rituals associated with ending one's education. I feel sad for you in that respect. There is a lot for young people to learn in maintaining the traditions, and one of the traditions that is traditionally incorporated in traditional events is the portrait.

 What about our Church division? It is a non event in Australia. While we know and acknowledge that attendance at all houses of worship are declining, that is no excuse for not tapping into this lucrative market. Along with religion comes a sense of family and families love having portraits taken of themselves. In fact, with churches in the United States, we find that many people who order individual and family portraits also want a portrait of the entire congregation since they consider them all members of their extended family.

 One of the interesting situations we had recently was taking individual portraits at a Muslim congregation where all the women dressed in garments covering their entire body. Unfortunately there was a mix up when the photographer dropped all the prints, but because their faces couldn't be seen, nobody ever knew the difference.

 The point is that there is a huge market out there waiting to be tapped into. The remarkable thing is that these people are eager for our services, it isn't something we have to go out and "sell", they want us. It is an ideal fund-raiser that encourages organisers to promote our services. What an ideal situation for any capitalist.

 But why hasn't it been fully exploited here in Australia? I'll come to Brian Henderson later...first the good news.

 I'm here, to start the marketing ball rolling and to slash the costs of our operations here. The underlying mediocrity enshrined wherewith over-accommodating intermediary management impinges externally as to where fundamental objectivity is concerned. Altruism, while overtly and admirably welcomed in locations surrounding traditionally structured functionality often discriminates blatantly regarding the undermining intensity of unequivocally displaced occurrences in commonplace rectification while distinguishing photo-realistic recognition. Are you still with me?

 You know, the research I have done about your beautiful country has led me to a few conclusions that I would like to share with you. I have met a few Aussies over the years and have so far had about 6 hours to look at your country, so I think I am in a perfect position to make a comment about your land, your society and your culture. Firstly, a question. What the hell is cricket? All these silly looking men dressed in white standing in the middle of a field I can understand, but for 5 days??? What sort of game goes for five days? goddamit

 Secondly, beer. Someone gave me this explanation of how to order a beer in Australia.

 A schooner is a 425ml glass in Sydney, but a schooner is only 285mls in Adelaide where a Sydney schooner is a kite. A pot is 285mls in Melbourne and Brisbane but it's a middy in Sydney and Perth where a pot is 575mls. A glass is 200mls except in Brisbane where it's 225mls and Adelaide where it's a butcher and Darwin and Sydney where it's a seven. In Hobart a small beer is 115mls, in Brisbane it's 140mls and in Melbourne it's 170mls. Back in Hobart, 170mls is a beer six. This makes about as much sense as a game that lasts for 5 days.

 We'll get to the fact that you all drive on the wrong side of the road later. Maybe that's why they call this place "down under".

 What about the way you lot talk. Now I know Brian Henderson isn't a native Australian, but that accent. I call him from Alabama to see how things are going and all I get are Star Trek impressions. "Capn, I'm pushin her as fast as I can. I canna get any more out of the business." That's why I'm here. To find out what the hell is going on!!!

 We have had to step in and take control of what seems to be a deteriorating situation. In an effort to tighten up certain aspects of the Olan Mills organisation, management are instituting many new policies.

 You are all aware that there is a no pets policy in taking portraits. Due to the changing nature of society we have had to extend that to include no rodents or insects. This will require you to check each individual for fleas, lice and rats before you take their portrait. Added to this we have new policy of no concealed weapons in school photographs. When you carry out your body searches, you can look for both weapons and infestations.

 Earlier I mentioned an announcement about your photographs of your own family. We have found it necessary to institute a new condition of employment as we find that many of our photographers are spending time, talent and money on family photos at picnics, parties and the like and in the name of good business, this has to stop. As of March 1st 1997 you will not be permitted to take photographs of any member of your family apart from your immediate family. That is, husband or wife and your own children and in those situations we will require you to get written consent from head office. I am sure you will understand why this has become necessary and I have no doubt that as loyal employees you will respect and comply with this decision. 

But down under is where we are and there are a few things I want to tell you about myself. I've had a lousy day...I've had to spend all day faking an American accent and pretending to be from America to suck you lot in. I think it worked!!! Well done Brian, thank you Tom.

 Go into act.