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I am pleased to introduce our guest speaker tonight. This man has been having ongoing discussions with Bevan Lynch regarding our ongoing expansion into Asia. I don’t know a lot about this deal, and I am often dubious about some of Bevan's proposals, however, this time he has convinced me to trust him.

To tell you all about it, just off a plane from Asia, please welcome Doctor David Stephens.

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen. It is indeed a pleasure for me to be here today addressing you on the matter of investment in Asia and more specifically, a massive proposal that McKerrell Lynch has agreed to fund. Given the state of stock market, it probably makes many of you wonder what these guys are up to splashing money about, but who am I to argue? They know what they are doing.

It is most opportune that I am here on a night when the company has brought together so many distinguished guests to help celebrate their 10^th anniversary. Obviously Tom and Bevan haven't suffered the dreaded 7 year itch and still have a successful partnership happening.

Partners are a bit like socks. They must be strong enough to weather rough treatment, yet soft enough to be comfortable. Sometimes they get a little frayed, but they are easy to patch, or if it comes to that, replace. With partners, like socks, often you know where the other one is, but every once in a while one goes mysteriously missing. One thing I have noticed, I have a lot of spare socks lying around, but not a lot of spare partners.

And that is why I am here folks. I have a new partner that fits as comfortably as my favourite sock. I originally met Bevan Lynch very, very, very late one night in Pat Pong Road, Bangkok While I didn't know Bevan at all at that time, I have since learned that it is not unusual to find him very, very, very late in Pat Pong Road.

In meeting each other we both thwarted our original intention in heading out that evening, but this meeting turned out to be cheaper, more satisfying and, dare I say it, safer, that what we both had in mind. Needless to say, by the time the sun came up Bevan and I had finished our initial discussions and the future was looking good for both of us. Well, it was going to once we managed to clear the haze from our brains. At least now, we can blame the fog on those bloody fires.

I stay in a lot of Asian hotels so I thought it was important to learn about surviving fires. I discovered that in a fire 80% of people die from inhaling the poisonous smoke. However, if you can get down close to the floor where there is fresh air, you will be one of the lucky 20% of people who only burn to death.

So, that's my introduction, but you no doubt wonder who am I and why am I here? Allow me to tell you something about myself and what we have planned. Firstly, I am a straight shooter ladies and gentlemen. I don't like wasting time with social chit chat. There is nothing worse than wasting valuable time that could be used drinking by making social niceties. And that is what I liked about Bevan. There was no bullshit, he is straight down the line.

Bevan and I met when I was between clients, which was fortuitous for us both, since normally, architecture isn't my scene. After Bevan and I had been talking for was it 1, 2, maybe 3 hours? We had fleshed out a deal that was to become the basis of an operation that would turn into the foundation for an agreement that would become the structure for our arrangement based on a prospectus that didn't yet exist.

I make my living in Asia finding the Bevan Lynches of the world who need the sort of projects that cross my path. Essentially I am a matchmaker. I find orphaned projects needing a foster parent and broker a deal to make everyone, especially me, happy. I have a success rate that is matched by no others in my line of work and have a reputation around the traps that would make some of you envious.

While I am happy to strike a deal with an individual, generally most of my work is for Governments or, more often, those who would like to be in Government. Sometimes it is in a grey area of international legislation, however, as we all know, nothing is illegal unless it is actually against the law. And even then there can often a way around it, just ask Christopher Skase. Some of my previous clients have included the Governments of Papua New Guinea, Fiji, and Burma. I have also worked with the Shell company in Nigeria, Benson & Hedges in China and Nestle in India. So, I am experienced in projects that are lucrative, high profile and of dubious integrity.

Look, I'm not going to pretend that some of these projects haven't been controversial, but only if you look at it from one side of the fence, and as we all know, there are two sides to every fence, unless of course, the fence is built against a wall and if you know the right people, there are a lot of brick walls in Asia. With the sort of projects I conceive, it can be hard to collect references from previous employers. I do have some, but they aren't usually in writing, which can make it somewhat difficult to establish a business profile, however I have the runs on the board and have proven to be capable of making the most of many a desperate situation.

The point I am trying to make is that if a job needs to get done and it is often difficult to find the right people for these jobs, I am your man. Despite being raised here in Australia, I have spent most of my adult life moving from one Asian country to another and I have developed an innate sense of timing along with an intimate knowledge of the cultures and an ever expanding network of the right people to make any job happen. My personal expertise ensures it happens quickly, efficiently and within minimum adverse public reaction, no matter what it takes to contain that reaction.

As you will all know, McKerrell Lynch have long been expanding into Asia. Their projects have included resorts, shopping centres and sporting facilities in countries as far flung as Japan, India, and Vietnam. With offices in Indonesia, Malaysia, Brunei, the Gold Coast and Brisbane, they are truly an International company doing what Australians ought to do, deal with your Asian neighbours more, despite the myopic views of Pauline Hanson.

Actually I heard a story about Pauline Hanson, she was in her fish and chip shop, serving fish and chips, when an Aboriginal woman came in. Pauline said "We don't serve you lot in here, there's another fish and chip shop 20 minutes down the road. The woman said "Do you know who I am?" "Nope" "I'm Kathy Freeman" Pauline said "In that case its only 5 minutes down the road."

But seriously, McKerrell Lynch T have taken their product to the world and now is the time for the world to come beating a path back to their door as they embark on more exciting aspects of Asian development.

Now is the perfect time for McKerrell Lynch to strike and really penetrate the Asian market in an innovative and imaginative way with a product that is going to knock the pants off their mostly American competitors. This recent currency crisis has really opened a window of opportunity for any organisation with the courage, skills and most importantly, the finances, to plunge into a market that is unsure of itself and ready for an astute operator to make a quick killing. That, in a word, is why I am here. I am here to ensure that this goal becomes a reality, that we reap the rewards and then I move on to my next project leaving Bevan and Tom to make the most of their foray into a new part of Asia.

Many of you are probably thinking "Why on earth, Asia?" and more reasonably, "Why Now?" You would not be the first people who have questioned my sense in moving into a region that is beset by problems both internal and international. You are probably asking yourself how on earth Tom and Bevan can make a baht or ringit out of a country that is struggling to feed its people. Well, I totally agree, but I liken it to buying shares at the bottom of the market…there is only one way to go, up The exchange rate is at an all time extreme, the regular crew of investment advisers has taken an extended break to let things cool off. Bevan has looked at my projections and agrees that now is the time to move.

McKerrell Lynch have agreed with me that one way to break through to a new level is not to follow the sheep away from these centres of hopelessness, but to enter them with renewed vigour, thus outsmarting the rest of the world. Already the markets are responding and starting to bounce back with the Dow Jones picking up 500 points last night. We successfully picked the bottom and have already made a killing.

So, what are these earth shattering projects we have committed ourselves to? Obviously many of them are subject to strict confidentiality agreements, as you know, there is lots of global jealousy over new projects. If you think Kennet getting pissed off because Carr took the motorcycle Grand Prix back is good to watch, you've seen nothing compared to when a couple of tin-pot dictators get their grubby hands on a project like the ones we have planned. Without going into too many details I can give some generalities.

In Thailand, in Quong Thuck about 275 miles North west of Bangkok is a disused military base that we have a purchase contract on. With the withdrawal of rebels in Thailand this base has been found to be surplus to Government requirements. I have had some private negotiations with a cousin of the Defense Commander and it appears that in return for a few favours, one of which is meeting Kylie Minogue, we will be able to buy the 468 acre site for next to nothing.

The plans are already complete for four signature golf courses. With names like Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer, Harold Lancaster and Tiger Woods designing the courses, they can be assured of wide patronage and a place on the international circuit. As you would know, Tiger Woods is of Thai origin and is excited about the opportunity to make what he thinks will be a contribution to the economy of his country. As soon as the landmines have been cleared and the last peasant sqatters evicted there is going to be some real movement in the area.

And what movement it is. These courses will be the centre piece of a 3000 room resort complex with what is planned to be the wold's largest casino, right in the heart of Thailand. Can you imagine what this is going to do for a country that is now being regarded as the basket-case of the region? No, neither can I. But I am sure it is going to be huge.

We have already set up a three thousand square metre office in Bangkok, fitting it out with some obsolete computer equipment to get the project up and running immediately if not sooner. We have intentionally chosen computers and software that are known to be suffering from incompatibility with the year 2000. The rationale being that it is extremely cheap to buy on the world market right now, and the millenium bug isn't going to be a problem for us since we plan to shut down the Bangkok office before the turn of the century anyway.

With that tidied up it is off to Cambodia where construction is about to begin on a 73 story office tower on the outskirts of Pnom Phen. We have made a commitment to the Cambodian government to use only local technologies in this building so it will be constructed using only bamboo scaffolding. Further savings are going to be made because there will be no elevators, since most of the time there is no electricity. This is a 250 million dollar project, expecting to be completed within 12 months. For obvious reasons McKerrell Lynch aren't using their real name in association with this project.

Finally, we are opening a regional office in Colombo, Sri Lanka. The last 12 months have seen a series of sensitive meetings take place with the leaders of the Tamil Tiger separatist movement. They advise us that they only need to rob four or five more banks to be able to make a first payment to McKerrell Lynch for their new headquarters and training facility.

Located in an extremely remote part of the country the project has been a challenge for McKerrell Lynch in that as well as aesthetics and functionality, they were required to include camouflage. This is not a common request from some of the more conservative clients of McKerrell Lynch, so outside consultancies were brought in, namely my brother in law

Millions of dollars were spent researching the best form of camouflage for the tropical jungles of Sri Lanka. Trials were done, tests were carried out, mock-ups were built and a computer generated camouflage design was finally formulated. Now that the camouflage has been installed on the first stage of the structure, no one can find the bloody place to finish it.

These assignments are vastly different from my last, which has been in the media world wide. A controversial gold find in Indonesia. Some people claim that it never existed, but I was there at Bre-X with de Gruzman when he tested the samples and it looked pretty bloody good to me, though I'm glad he talked me out of investing in the company. Unfortunately that job came to an end when my cheque book jumped out of a helicopter.

So all these projects, all this money, what next? Bevan Lynch has scored a major coup and in uncovering the lost original Utzon plans for the Sydney Opera House and we intend to construct an identical copy in partnership with Keith Williams in the middle of Kakadu National Park. It is being done in conjunction with the Customs and Immigration service in an elaborate ploy to lure any illegal immigrants interested in Opera into an elaborate trap.

Speaking of elaborate traps, in case you hadn't worked it out yet, some of you have been lured into one today…